Tino is My Personal Assistant

Personal Assistant Requirements:
Have you met Tino?

1. must know everything
2. must be able to be at my side at any given time of day (or night)
3. must be presentable at all times
4. must be able to take calls and messages
5. must alert me of appointments and "to do" items
6. must provide entertainment during heavy traffic jams
7. must report weather and provide pictures and video
8. must reserve restaurant tables and tickets
9. must be easily recharged
10. must be willing to travel
11. must take excellent photographs
12. must be able to compose rockin' music play list
13. must be able to write and send emails
14. must calculate and handle payments, bills, and tips
15. must be able to translate languages into English
16. must be able to navigate streets and roads
17. must have access to blogging and other means of social networking
18. must have good taste in food and recipes
19. must be certified in emergency procedures (CPR, Poison Control) etc.
20. must love me unconditionally